Understanding Abandonment Trauma

Abandonment trauma is a deeply emotional wound that often stems from experiences of being neglected, rejected, or left behind, particularly in childhood. This type of trauma can have long-lasting effects on an individual’s emotional and psychological well-being, influencing their relationships, self-esteem, and ability to trust others. 

In this guide, we’ll explore what abandonment trauma is, the symptoms to look out for, and how to start the healing process.

What Is Abandonment Trauma?

Abandonment trauma refers to the intense fear and emotional pain that are experienced when someone feels deserted or rejected, often by a caregiver or loved one. The abandonment goes beyond simple rejection; it encapsulates a deep fear and emotional pain that stem from being deserted. This trauma can occur in both children and adults, although it is particularly impactful when experienced during childhood. The fear of abandonment can lead to various psychological issues, including anxiety, depression, and attachment disorders (1, 2).

Abandonment trauma isn’t limited to physical abandonment, such as a parent leaving a child. It can also include emotional abandonment, where a caregiver fails to provide adequate emotional support, leading the child to feel unloved or unworthy. Over time, these feelings can evolve into deeper psychological wounds that affect the individual’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships (1).

In adulthood, the impact of abandonment trauma can manifest in various ways. Many adults who experienced abandonment trauma during childhood may struggle with feelings of insecurity in their relationships, constantly fearing that their partner or loved ones will leave them. This fear can lead to behaviors such as overdependence, where the individual clings to relationships out of fear of being alone, or avoidance, where they push people away to prevent getting hurt (1). 

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

• Early Childhood Experience: The root cause of fear of abandonment often lies in early childhood experiences, particularly those that involve inconsistent or neglectful caregivers. When a child doesn’t receive consistent emotional support, they may develop a deep-seated fear of being left alone or unloved. This fear can persist into adulthood, influencing the way they form relationships and interact with others (3).

For many people, the fear of abandonment is tied to the basic human need for connection and belonging. When this need is not met consistently during childhood, the individual may grow up with a pervasive sense of insecurity and anxiety. This can manifest in adult relationships as a constant fear of rejection, leading to behaviors such as clinging, people-pleasing, or pushing others away to avoid potential hurt (4).

• Triggering Events: In some cases, abandonment trauma in relationships can be triggered by events such as divorce, the death of a loved one, or significant betrayals. These experiences reinforce the fear that loved ones will leave, which leads to heightened anxiety and protective behaviors, such as clinginess or withdrawal (4).

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What Are the 5 Stages of Abandonment?

The process of healing from abandonment trauma can be understood through the five stages of abandonment, which are:

1. Shattering: The initial shock and disbelief when abandonment occurs, often accompanied by intense emotional pain and confusion (5). This stage is characterized by feelings of devastation and loss, as the individual struggles to comprehend the reality of the abandonment.
2. Withdrawal: Experiencing the emotional pain of loss, similar to withdrawal symptoms, where the person feels an overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair (3). This stage can involve physical symptoms such as insomnia, changes in appetite, and a lack of energy. 
3. Internalizing: At this stage, individuals may blame themselves for the abandonment, leading to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt (4). This self-blame can manifest in harmful ways, such as self-criticism, self-sabotage, or even self-harm. 
4. Rage: Anger and resentment can surface as the individual processes the injustice of being abandoned. This stage can also involve lashing out at others or engaging in self-destructive behaviors (6). The anger may be directed at the person who abandoned them, themselves, or others who seem to have what they lack.
5. Lifting: The final stage involves acceptance and healing, where the individual starts to rebuild their life, often finding new meaning and purpose beyond the trauma (1). This stage is marked by a sense of relief and empowerment as the individual moves forward with a stronger sense of self. 

Read more: Somatic Response: Understanding Your Body’s Reactions

What Are the Signs of Abandonment Trauma?

Recognizing abandonment trauma symptoms is essential for understanding its impact and seeking appropriate help. 

Many signs of childhood trauma in adults, such as trust issues and low self-esteem, can be linked to unresolved abandonment trauma.

Common signs of abandonment trauma in adults include:

• Fear of Intimacy: Individuals with abandonment trauma often struggle to get close to others due to the fear of being hurt or rejected (4). 
• Clinginess: This can manifest as a need for constant reassurance or excessive attachment to others. People with abandonment trauma may fear being alone so intensely that they become overly dependent on their partners, friends, or family members (3). 
• Trust Issues: A person may find it difficult to trust others, fearing that they will be abandoned again. This lack of trust can lead to difficulties in forming close relationships, as the individual may constantly doubt the intentions of others or expect betrayal (4). 
• Low Self-Esteem: Feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are common among those with abandonment trauma (3). These individuals may believe that they’re not deserving of love or that something is inherently wrong with them, which can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-sabotage. 
• Emotional Overreactions: Small abandonment-related triggers can lead to intense emotional responses, often involving the fear of abandonment. For example, a simple disagreement or a perceived slight can result in overwhelming feelings of rejection, which causes the individual to react with anger, sadness, or panic (6). 
• Physical Symptoms: Abandonment trauma can also manifest physically, with symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, and chronic pain. These physical symptoms often arise from the body’s prolonged state of stress and anxiety, which can weaken the immune system and disrupt normal bodily functions (5). 

If you’re wondering whether your experiences are aligned with abandonment trauma, you may consider taking an abandonment trauma test to better understand your symptoms and triggers.

How to Manage Abandonment Trauma

Healing from abandonment trauma is a complex and ongoing process, but it’s possible with the right support and strategies. 

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Here are some steps to start the healing journey:

1. Acknowledge the Trauma: The first step in healing is recognizing that unresolved childhood trauma like abandonment has impacted your life. This awareness can open the door to understanding and accepting the emotions that are tied to the trauma (1). 
2. Seek Therapy: Working with a therapist, particularly one who specializes in trauma, can help you process the emotions that are associated with abandonment. Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) have proven to be effective in treating trauma (6). 
3. Build Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who can offer stability and trust. Healthy relationships are essential for abandonment trauma healing and rebuilding trust and self-worth (4). 
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Developing a compassionate and forgiving relationship with yourself is essential. Understand that your reactions are a response to trauma and it’s okay to feel vulnerable (3).
5. Engage in Mindfulness and Relaxation: Mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded and reduce anxiety related to abandonment. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can be beneficial (6). 
6. Set Healthy Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is important for anyone who is recovering from abandonment trauma. Boundaries help you protect your emotional well-being and ensure your relationships are balanced and respectful. 

Read more: Types of Somatic Therapy: How Different Practices Promote Healing

Frequently Asked Questions

• Why is abandonment so painful?

Abandonment is painful as it taps into a deep, primal fear of being alone and unsupported. This fear is rooted in your early survival instincts, where being abandoned could mean life or death. In modern times, this fear manifests as emotional pain, often tied to feelings of worthlessness and rejection (6). 

The pain of abandonment is also exacerbated by the belief that your worth is dependent on the approval and presence of others. Overcoming this belief is a key part of healing from abandonment trauma.

• Can you get PTSD from being abandoned?

Yes, abandonment trauma can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), particularly if the abandonment was sudden, unexpected, or occurred repeatedly over time. 

Symptoms of PTSD related to abandonment can include flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and avoidance of situations that trigger memories of the abandonment (5). 

Understanding your PTSD abandonment triggers can be important for managing your emotional responses.

• How do people with abandonment issues behave?

People with abandonment issues may exhibit behaviors such as clinginess, extreme jealousy, or distrust in relationships. They may also push others away to avoid the pain of potential abandonment. These behaviors are often defense mechanisms that are designed to protect the individual from further emotional harm (4). 

In addition, people with abandonment issues may struggle with feelings of unworthiness, which makes it difficult for them to accept love and support from others. They may also engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as ending relationships prematurely or choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable.

The Bottom Line

Abandonment trauma is a powerful emotional wound that can significantly impact your life, particularly your relationships and self-esteem. Recognizing the symptoms and understanding the root causes are essential steps in the healing process. 

With the right support and therapeutic interventions, you can overcome the effects of abandonment trauma and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Managing abandonment trauma is a journey that involves acknowledging the pain, seeking help, and developing healthier ways of relating to others and yourself. 

Overcoming childhood trauma, including abandonment, requires dedication to therapy, self-compassion, and building healthy relationships.