Trauma bonding is a type of bond that forms between a person who is being abused and their abuser. When this deep emotional attachment is formed, it makes it incredibly difficult for the person who is being abused to walk away from the relationship, even if they’re given the opportunity to do so.
A trauma bond is a type of attachment issue and can form in a variety of scenarios. It’s commonly seen in parent-child relationships and romantic relationships, but it’s not limited to these. Trauma bonds are also present in cult situations as well as sex trafficking and gang environments. Typically, the person who is experiencing the abuse is aware that abuse is occurring but may initially lack the resources or ability to leave and over time, they develop a sense of learned helplessness and start to bond with their abuser.
These bonds start to form when an emotional event occurs and two people connect following the incident. This emotional event tends to involve one person attacking the other in a way that is violent, abusive, or threatening. Following the attack, the abuser will often demonstrate behavior to try to make up for the abuse and soothe the person they abused. This results in a cycle where one person is abused and made to feel scared, sad, or injured and then their abuser provides them temporary comfort, but ultimately repeats the abuse over and over again (5).
This is when the intense emotional connection starts to form. Cognitive distortion is also likely to occur and both individuals eventually develop their own behavioral strategies to deal with the cycle that has been formed. The bond is ultimately strengthened and maintained over time, which leads to a vicious and hard-to-break cycle (2).
It can sometimes be hard to recognize if you or someone you know has formed or is starting to form a trauma bond.
We’ve created a list of 10 signs to look for if you’re concerned that trauma bonding may be occurring.
As strange as it may seem, trauma bonding is able to occur because after the abuser has an explosive episode and harms the abused individual, either physically or emotionally, they may feel guilty, resulting in an attempt to make amends. These amends often include the abuser showing intense love and affection and may even include giving gifts. Unfortunately, when the aftermath of the abuse is followed by the behavior the abused person desires, this allows the abused to be temporarily fulfilled and they’ll likely desire more of this, even if this means needing to deal with the abuse first.
It’s normal and healthy to form emotional attachments to people in your life, but when the attachment starts to feel addictive and the emotional arousal brought on is constantly sought out, this may be a sign of an intense and unhealthy emotional attachment (3).
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It may be difficult to believe, but it’s quite common for someone who is being abused to experience trauma bonding to justify the abuse they experience or rationalize it to themselves and others. Justification occurs when the abused individual recognizes that the abuse occurred but is able to justify why the abuser may have done it. For example, an abused child may explain that their mother was saying mean things and denied them their dinner, but that they didn’t tidy up their toys, so they actually didn’t deserve to have dinner. Justifying abuse often results in the abused person taking the blame for the abuse (6).
Rationalization occurs when a victim of abuse finds a way to blame an external source for why the abuser behaved the way they did. This is often done as a means of coping with the abuse, particularly if the abuse makes the person who is committing the hurtful acts look bad and that is not how they tend to see them. An example of this would be an abused wife saying that her husband is generally a good guy, but when he works long hours at work, he gets overly stressed and explodes (7).
When a person is being treated poorly on a regular basis and starts to blame themselves for the behavior of the abuser or place blame on factors such as stress, alcohol, and financial struggles, this may be a sign that trauma bonding is present.
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When they’re involved in an abusive relationship and after a trauma bond has formed, people tend to seek approval from their abuser. It’s likely that they will ‘walk on eggshells’ and go above and beyond to act in a certain way or do certain things they think the abuser will appreciate. This tends to be a way for the abused person to seek out the affection and praise that they may experience during the aftermath of an outburst. They often won’t actually get the approval they’re seeking until another outburst happens.
An example of this is a wife making a homemade meal and offering sexual favors to her partner in the hope of making them happy and increasing their desire to treat them with the love and affection they desire. This can be something that occurs daily or maybe even throughout the entire day. The constant need to have the abuser acknowledge and praise them for certain behaviors is not good for their mental health and can be emotionally exhausting for them, especially if they don’t get the responses they hoped for.
Feeling trapped is an alarming sign of trauma bonding. If a person feels that they’re in a bad situation but cannot leave for one or many reasons, this is a sign that they feel trapped. Some people may feel trapped due to the authority or power the abuser has over them and the likelihood that the consequences of leaving may be detrimental. Other people may feel trapped on a more physical level. It’s possible that a lack of finances or housing could cause an abused individual to feel trapped.
Feeling trapped can also occur when the abused person wants to leave because they feel they can’t tolerate physical or emotional abuse any longer. However, they may feel that leaving isn’t the right choice as they still desire the aftermath of the love and affection they sometimes experience. This is a toxic mindset and also the exact mindset that leads to the continuation of the traumatic cycle and the strengthening of the trauma bond.
When an individual’s wants and needs are constantly neglected, this can result in low self-esteem. People who experience this tend to develop feelings of being unworthy and undeserving of having their wants and needs met. Self-esteem is defined as how a person perceives themselves and if someone believes they’re ugly, dumb, or unsuccessful, they develop low self-esteem. Unfortunately, people who are abused are often either told negative things about themselves or made to believe that they have negative qualities due to the way they’re treated (4).
Demonstrating signs of low self-esteem, particularly when attributed to the behavior or words of an abuser, is a sign that a trauma bond has developed. At this point, the abused individual has started to feel that they can only be as good as their abuser says or shows they are and they will often even behave in a way that proves these beliefs to be correct.
Isolation is a common sign of abuse and trauma bonding. Isolation triggers the brain to go into survival mode, which triggers coping mechanisms, one of which is trauma bonding. The brain essentially becomes convinced that you need to work with what you’ve got and unfortunately for some people, all they have is their abuser. Abusers tend to know that isolating the person they’re abusing will give them more access to them and decrease the chances of other people pulling their victim away from them (1).
Limiting the amount of contact that a victim has with friends and family is typically where isolation begins. This could include making them feel guilty for spending time with these people, telling them they can’t interact with them, or even encouraging someone to stop going to school or work. Isolation is an early sign of trauma bonding and avoiding this could stop or delay trauma bonding from occurring.
The abuse and reward cycle that occurs in toxic relationships is typically what encourages the formation of trauma bonding and strengthens it once it begins. When someone is treated poorly by their abuser, the poor behavior is often followed by what may appear to be displays of love and affection.
This may be as simple as the abuser allowing the person they’re abusing to sit at the table to eat a meal with them rather than making them eat alone in a room or not at all. This could also be an abusive husband buying his wife a new ring. The victim will likely be so grateful for the kind gesture, that it feels like a reward for getting through the abuse. As this pattern is repeated, the victim may actually start to desire or even provoke the abuse because they know that it will be followed by the treatment they desire (even though it may only be brief).
These ‘good’ moments may be so valued by the victim that they stop desiring to escape their situation and the trauma bond continues to grow because of how rewarding the ‘good times’ feel.
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While victims of abuse and people involved in trauma bonds may initially recognize that they’re being abused, or at least suspect that the way they’re being treated isn’t right, they can become more accepting of their treatment over time and may even defend their abuser. They may say things such as, “It’s not my mom’s fault, her parents spanked her a lot, and she can’t help it.” An abused wife may say something like, “Sometimes when he’s stressed about money, it gets the better of him, but he doesn’t mean to treat me that way.”
Frequently making excuses for an abuser and defending their poor behavior can be a sign of trauma bonding. This often occurs because even though the abused person doesn’t like the abuse, they may desire the aftermath of the affection they experience, and they don’t want their abuser to be taken away because this would take the desired affection away.
One of the biggest struggles people who are experiencing a trauma bond may struggle with is their ability to even see that their situation is a problem. Sometimes people who have such an intense emotional attachment to their abuser don’t see that they’re being abused because they don’t want to believe that the person they love or trust would harm them. In some cases, they may know initially that what’s happening is a problem, but it becomes their new normal over time and because this may be all they know, they don’t see it as a problem.
If someone is in an abusive relationship and denies that abuse is occurring when someone tries to bring it to their attention, then it’s likely that trauma bonding has already occurred and at this point, it may be very challenging for them to see the problem.
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After a person has experienced repeated emotional or physical abuse for an extended period of time, they may start to feel lost. When an individual has been isolated, developed low self-esteem, and feels trapped in their situation, they may have a difficult time seeing themselves as separate from their abuser.
As these individuals tend to feel as if they have nothing to offer and stop speaking up for or defending themselves, it’s likely that they’ll lose themselves completely. These people often spend a great portion of their time seeking approval from their abuser or trying to make up for things they think they might have done or might do. Even a person who is independent and knows exactly who they are can have their identity destroyed by abuse.
The 7 signs of trauma bonding are love bombing, trust and dependency, criticism, manipulation and gaslighting, resignation and submission, loss of self, and addiction to the cycle. While it is not impossible, it is highly unlikely that a trauma bond can become true love since the basis of the relationship is so weak and unhealthy. Getting out of a trauma bond is difficult but not possible. You will likely need the support of professionals and other loved ones to help set yourself free. When a trauma bond ends it can be very heartbreaking for the victim. Feelings of grief and loss are very common and you may even have physical symptoms. It will take time to heal from the trauma and you should seek support and work on building your self-esteem, rediscovering your identity, and setting boundaries in future relationships. Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 7 stages of trauma bonding?
Can a trauma bond become true love?
Am I stuck in a trauma bond?
What happens when a trauma bond ends?
Trauma bonding commonly occurs in relationships where abuse is present, particularly when the abuse occurs regularly and the victim doesn’t escape it. These types of bonds can form with a parent or other caregiver, a boss, a significant other, a teacher, or a cult or gang leader. Ultimately, anyone who is in a relationship where they allow a sense of power to be exerted over them where this exertion of power ultimately leads to verbal or physical abuse is at risk of forming a trauma bond.
Once a trauma bond is formed, escaping the abusive situation can become increasingly difficult. By recognizing and understanding the different signs of trauma bonding, you may be able to prevent yourself or a loved one from being stuck in an abusive situation.
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